MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
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The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.