Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
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Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you