Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
You Might Also Like
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
This is amazing.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY