I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
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I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Room with a view.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.