me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
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if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
you know what ruined my childhood? children
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral