Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
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Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?