RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
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I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Care for your back
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.