DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
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Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
that’s really how it is
Why font matters.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.