I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
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ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.