My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
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manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.