I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
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High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight