FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
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My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
socratic questions
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it