*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
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break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.