How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
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EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..