BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
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Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Barbie gone wild
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?