Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
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Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Never let them know your next move 😂
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*