Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
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Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Happy weekend !
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
How your email finds me
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
how was your vacation
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.