[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
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“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”