[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
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I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?