british sex workers really pound for pound
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Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.