nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
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Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it