[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
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When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out