Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
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You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Never forget.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.