Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
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No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Flowers bee like
Sheep
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]