*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
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[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.