I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
You Might Also Like
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
My diet starts in January
of 2027
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
#SuperBowl
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.