There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
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Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
If you’re testing me, we failed.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?