The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
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If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*