Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
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I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Potatoes were such a good idea
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*