We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
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me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.