Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
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If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Cat is stressing him out.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.