i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
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ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.