Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
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Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’