I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
You Might Also Like
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
I hope google does well on my son’s test
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.