I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
You Might Also Like
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
secret recipe
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.