the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
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Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?