Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
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if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
ACED my prostate exam!
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.