When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
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Every haunted house movie:
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Happens to everyone.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.