Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
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[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Snapes on a plane.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
No way!
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.