INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
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Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.