Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
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My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Well well well…
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Coffee for people with no kids