A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
You Might Also Like
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?