WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
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#dalle2
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never