The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
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OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks