A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
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There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.