I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
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Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
We found love in a hopeless place.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard