Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
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It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars