I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
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[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Haha good job!!
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends