Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
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Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry