Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
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I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
secret recipe
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is